These are in reverse order.
Apr. 20th, 2012 03:45 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
capttimetravelI don't even know if I want to talk about this, but I'm tired and procrastinating on this commission and every time I look at pictures it hurts.
I've been anxious all week over whether or not Newm and I would be able to patch things up. Every time I was on Facebook, I'd see if she'd removed me from her friends. Well, she finally did last night. All because what? I yelled at someone who'd treated me like shit for months and was saying who-knows-what about my friend?
In the five years we've known each other, in the two years we'd lived together we never had problems. Not once.
I wish I'd never introduced her to Mr. "Prince".
I don't even want to think about him; I don't want to talk about him; I don't want constant reminders of him. And now I've lost a good friend because of him. Because I was at the end of my rope and snapped.
It's funny because I was so insecure. I've always been a bit insecure in my friendship with her. A did everything to make sure I was alone that first ten months; then Newm moved back home and ignored me for months; now this.
But I still thought I could trust her. I didn't think telling her about what had happened between me and Mr. "Prince" would be fair. She was a mutual friend; I didn't want it to seem like she had to take sides; and I thought "surely as my good friend she'd be upset on my behalf".
Guess I never meant that much to her in the first place.
It makes me question everything. Looking at pictures, I wonder if she was actually happy spending time with me; when she'd say we were like sisters...
And she knew I was insecure. I've had so much guilt over the things that happened between Mr. "Prince" and myself; I felt horrible for her getting dragged into it; I missed her because she's far away and I always considered her so important to me; I worried that he'd say something to her...but I still trusted her.
Five years. Tossed away just like that.
It's a deep wound, as melodramatic as that sounds. This is worse than what A put us through, and I'm not sure what the future holds where Newm and I are concerned now.
I've been so tired of all this drama. I was tired of hurting people; I was tired of hurting myself. I thought ending things with Mr. "Prince" would be good--I mean, it is. It's great. I'm happier; I'm not exhausted all the time; and barring my insecurities from the situation, I feel better about myself. I know I made the right decision. But losing Newm to this...
It's horrible to have all your insecurities validated just like that.
Now, I remember how Newm never really stood up for me to A, and I think that it's because I really wasn't important enough. I think the only reason she chose me over A, now, is because A wasn't treating her all that well either.
I almost cried last night when I saw that she'd unfriended me. But with how difficult it usually is for me to cry--the events of aB weekend being one of the few exceptions--I just couldn't. My sensei came online, and at one point it was just us in call before he went to bed and I felt a lot better. I know he doesn't like things he can't fix, so I didn't talk about it a lot; but he still helped cheer me up. He's good at that.
Today's been a hard day. After looking through pictures last night, I'm just...very sad.
I don't have the energy right now to deal with it properly, and I honestly don't want to deal with it.
While I'm doing marginally better since my mope-fest last night, I'm still not like 100%. It's hard not to think about everything, considering. I'm also realising that I've already assumed the crash position.
Because I expect it to go like every failed pseudo-relationship I've had, or even just every person I've had strong feelings for. So here I am in the crash position, waiting for him to blame me for something or hate me for who-knows-what or something else to go wrong because it always does. I'm too intense, I'm too honest, I'm too selfish and selfless, I'm too unimportant...
We're just being friends, but even still I feel like I'm not going to measure up. And this is why I am not ready for a relationship. After all the invalidating I've been through, after all the times I've not been/felt good enough or been blamed for things when I shouldn't have been, I need to step back. I need to be okay with myself, and right now I am really not. I'm not sure of my self-worth at all. I feel like I need reassurance, but I can't get that from him at every turn.
Sensei and I talked for like fifteen or twenty minutes tonight before he left. In some way, I feel like he's calling me just to reassure me about this weekend. Which is really nice, because I do sort of need that; but I really do not want that to be the only reason he calls and I don't want that to be something I need. I trust him, it's my own worth I don't trust.
I think that's another reason why this whole not dating him thing is a good thing. I've never had a real relationship, and because of that and where I'm at emotionally I feel like I'd just end up fucking it up. I'd fuck it up not just because of my insecurities, but because of my lack of experience. He's a really understanding person, but I think I'd be way too in need of validation and that is not the kind of relationship I want (especially with him). And if I am a sub or at least leaning more towards it where he's concerned, then I really do not want to be going into this with so many insecurities or any other baggage. Having someone put a collar on me when I'm where I'm at personally is just a bad idea. I don't quite want to be owned and I definitely don't want to be put in my place, but I do want to be his; I want him to put his hand on my neck again and remind me who I belong to--and that is why this is not for right now. Because I can't be in a position like that when I'm so insecure. I'd subconsciously tie my worth to being his, and that's not healthy.
I was talking with my roommate about how wonderful he is and.... God, he really is. He is so wonderful and genuine, and doubting him is all about doubting myself. I don't want to do that. Given time, I'll be a lot more comfortable in myself again. After Faerie Twin, I had to take time; after Pizza I needed a lot of fucking time; after Celestial Lady pressuring me into sex I had to do a lot of self-actualization; after this new situation--not the one with Sensei--I need time.
I certainly didn't intend to like anyone right now, but I'm okay with it because of who the person is. I just need to move past this hurdle of wanting to be with him when we're both not at that place, as well as the massive waste land of insecurities I have.
There is no closure coming from anywhere; there is no validation coming from others. It's all up to me. This is time for myself.
I bought my sensei his birthday present yesterday--because I'm a good student who buys things a month in advance. I'm sticking to something small and friend-like, and I'm going to make him rice crispy treats since he loves them so much. I want to be able to be really good friends--better than we were before when all I did was call him Gai-sensei and even better than after the events of this weekend. There are certainly some experiences that you cannot help but grow closer after--this weekend was definitely one, but I don't want it to end there. And it's not about being able to date "someday"; it's about being good friends and having that last.
Anyway, I feel better now that I've gotten this off my chest. Time heals all wounds if you let it.
Just finished talking with my roommate about things between me and my sensei. There was some part of me trying to hold on to hope that someday we could be more than just friends. I mean, I'm okay with everything that happened between us and the decision we made.
But it sucks. And it hurts.
I don't want to compromise our friendship; I don't want him to regret this weekend because I'm a bit--okay, a lot--sad; I don't want things to be awkward between us.
I'll stop holding on to hope because it'll only make this harder. I didn't want to date anyone right now, anyway. I need time for myself after everything that's transpired in my life over the past however many months. I need to be happy with myself again.
I still have the very best sensei ever, and I have an amazing friend.
But right now, I just want it to be okay for me to be sad.
A lot of things have been happening--a lot of good things--in my life. I feel happy again, which is kind of amazing, and like I am more myself than I have been since moving from San Francisco. I'm still struggling with a lot of things, like the shit with Mr. "Prince", but at least I'm moving past it. Things get better with each passing day.
I'm also talking with Gai-sensei a lot--again, I really need a new codename, but at least I'm calling him by his real name more often! It's nice talking to him. Other than being a ridiculous flirt, painfully obvious, and incredibly spastic to the point where I'm convinced he knows--well, actually, that's not so much an "other than" as just a fact of what is fun about talking with him. Flirting with him is fun and easy. All of this is easy. I've calmed down a bit, but not like to the point where I don't smile at every turn and spaz like crazy over things with him.
And he may be flirting back, but that's really really hard to say. I can't figure it out. Kakashi ended up texting me last night--okay, first: I had a dream night before last that he knew that I have feelings for Gai-sensei. In the dream, I was much more calm about it than I was last night when he texted me to ask about it.
Uh. Right, the point is that Kakashi figured it out because I am so painfully obvious--which is why I think that Gai-sensei knows and may be flirting back. We've been making a lot more sexual jokes around each other, and tonight we even had a legit talk about sexuality and also my gender issues which I will talk about at another time when it is not like 2:30 in the morning. Also, I'm waiting on Kakashi to get online, if he even will--he may be too tired--so that he can help me figure out if Gai-sensei is flirting with me.
I mean, Kakashi knows Gai-sensei better than I do; he's known him longer. He said last night that Gai-sensei isn't looking for anything, but...I guess you never know? Gai-sensei has said several times over the course of this past week where we've talked like every night that he doesn't like to rush romances, he likes to take things slow. I feel like that's....sort of hinting? Maybe? Or maybe I'm just assuming too much?
But it's so confusing when he sends me text messages about smashing--ie: rough sex--at work! And I'm so confused, and the closer it gets to aB the more I start to panic over the fact that "what if I was totally wrong about liking him" and "oh god, I do not want to see Mr. 'Prince' because no" and other things. I mean, I totally do like Gai-sensei, but I have these doubts because being demisexual is confusing sometimes and sex can be kind of scary and squicky, but god at the same time I really do want Gai-sensei... and other than that I mean, relationships don't revolve around sex despite what some people seem to think.
Uh. I'm losing my train of thought.
Which is that my very obvious lack of being subtle is going to get me in trouble, though probably the good kind because Gai-sensei is a good person and if he did have a girlfriend I would back peddle so damn fast it's not even funny. But but what if he does like me? And I mean, I want to wait and be patient, but I also don't butalskdfalsidjfaklsdjfk
Fuck, I can't even keep this on track. I honestly no longer have any idea why I decided to blog tonight.
Probably because of all the flirting. I was at work when some of this flirting was happening. My coworkers are teasing me about this. I made ridiculous noises because Gai-sensei texted me "Hahaha I'm distracting you with talk about hair pulling and biting while smashing muahahahahaha!!!!..." and just.asdfjasifjaosdfh;silfaiosdf how the fuck was I not supposed to react to that??? But at work it's really not a good idea--especially when your job is to call people--to make really undignified high pitched squeals. It was just--unexpected!
So that's probably flirting, but he tends to ere on the side of making perverted jokes a lot. Which is why I'm confused.
On the plus side, I booked two appointments today. One of which took seventy-five minutes because this old guy would not stop talking. He was a teacher, and he kept saying I shouldn't go to Hampshire because they'll make me pro-abortion, which is awkward cause I'm pro-choice and work is not where you talk politics--at least not to customers--and he just was so nice, but he went on and on and was sometimes really sexist and asldfkjaskf It was difficult to smile and nod at some of the things he would say.
Either way, two appointments. And this weekend one of my past appointments just sold for 69K which is fucking bangin'. Because sales like that mean I get to keep my job. Not that I was necessarily in danger of losing it, but it's been--or had been--weeks since I'd book an appointment.
Whatever.
Anyhoo. I'm a spaz. I'm trying not to be. I think he may like me or at least be flirting, but I'm too self-conscious. And then I freak out about my demisexuality causing problems. I really do think taking this slow is a good idea. I normally rush head long into things. So I'd like to not do that with him because like he's so wonderful and I really really do not want to fuck it up.
I'm just...this was so pointless.
I'm more tired than I'd like to be right now. I have a million things to do for animeBoston and only nine days to do it all in--only, I have work tomorrow and Friday, and class on Thursday. So...we'll see how that goes. Plus, I'll be working on Monday.
But this is less about aB and more about where I'm at emotionally. Specifically in regards to my feelings for Gai-sensei, who needs a new name since I'm trying to call him by his actual name now and an actual codename for this would probably go a long way in helping me with that.
/sigh
But I wonder if there's a point. He probably only sees me as Lee and, I mean, it was a year ago nearly that he had this crush on me--at least according to Mr. "Prince". I don't even know how serious it was. I just know he had one.
We talked via video chat last night on Skype. Me, him, and our friend who cosplays Sakura. He'd messaged her when she and I were talking on video call. Which made me all unhappy and sad and suspicious. Because she didn't get wrapped up in some guy and completely ignore her friends. And they're very comfortable with each other, and I'm just trying to be cute and have all of his attention because I'm ridiculous.
Seriously, I'd be the happiest if all he did was talk to me everyday. That's all I want. Someone who loves me unconditionally. I don't need things, I don't need outlandish dates and things. I just want someone who would love me and above all, accept my love for them.
And I don't know why these feelings had to happen now. Gai-sensei doesn't deserve to be a rebound; I don't deserve someone as wonderful as him. I'm just a mess of feelings; a complete wreck of self-loathing; and I really want to talk to him right now on Skype, but I don't think he's gonna come on. Which makes me sad because I asked him to.
But he texted me all day today, so I can't blame him. And by now he's probably too tired for conversation since he had work all day. But I bet I was just downright annoying.
I was so happy though because I got the first text from him right before I left my house. I was singing all day, and happy. I talked with my friend from ASL--telling her the story in sign, since she's deaf--and was all fluttery throughout. We made jokes in class about it, and then I went to English and it was a good class, too.
And then I came home and ate food that made me feel sick. Or possibly the lack of eating all day made me feel sick. I don't know. Maybe there was cross-contamination. It's moot. I took a shower. Which was nice, but my the water pressure is a tease, that's for damn sure.
Working on costumes was going okay. I started the buns for Shampoo, I got the purse for her done. I still need to finish the shoes and get the covers for the little ball things done, but I'm so close to finishing. And then I fucked up because I got soooo depressed, but I still have 'At Last I See the Light' stuck in my head because it's been in there all day.
And I was so flirty last night. Oh god. But he doesn't get it. At least I don't think he does. But at one point, he left the call completely and our friend, Sakura, she went to go do stuff so I went to go vent to my roommate about Gai-sensei's sexy arms and his shirtlessness and his alskdfaskfjaskljfs and my flirting and everything.
In the midst of my ranting, I turned around to see that the call--which was of course still up--showed not just Sakura, but also Gai-sensei. And I freaked out because he could have heard! But he didn't say anything later on--he disappeared after I saw him on, then came back ten minutes later. So I have no idea if he heard. And if he did, I don't know. I mean, maybe he doesn't like me anymore. And that's fine. I mean, I'll be sad, but he's a really nice person. I don't think he'd be a jerk about it. I just...
I really do like him, and this is playing into my fears of being alone and never being loved on top of all the self-loathing, and that little voice in my head that is Mr. "Prince" and sometimes his girlfriend. And I know I'm not over Mr. "Prince" and the shit he put me through. I still have healing to do, and I still have feelings for him but not the way I did before at all. I'm just so bitter and angry and resentful and paranoid. And I want him completely out of my life, but there are constant reminders of him on FB or even just in looking at fanart of characters he does or will cosplay. And he can't even be out-out until after aB.
I just. I want to tell Gai-sensei how I feel; I want to know where I stand with him, but I don't want to rush anything so I can't; I want Mr. "Prince" to never darken my doorstep again; I want to curl up in a ball. It's too early for bed, and some part of me hopes that Gai-sensei will want to talk to me...but it's a small part. So I'm gonna stay up until midnight maybe and try to get work on aB stuff done.
Yeah.
I just. I felt miserable and I really needed to feeling's jam.
I'd actually intended this to be a short, fun, sexy blog; also, a blog of confessions. Instead, I started thinking self-deprecating thoughts and so now it's just me being really unhappy and talking about my day--which, hey! I haven't done that in forever, right?
I don't know entirely where I should start. I'm supposed to be working on my commission for this young lady, but I kind of messed up on it because I was so unhappy. Thankfully I have enough fabric, but I can't afford to mess up again. /sigh/
That's not even what I was planning on talking about really.
So, the past few days I haven't heard from Mr. Thinks-He's-a-Fucking-Prince--which is much too long to actually be a viable codename for him, so expect a change or a shortening of said name. Not hearing from him has been amazing. I was the last one to send him a message though, so I keep expecting one back. I'd ignored him for a good week, but then Kakashi brought up me sending Mr. "Prince" my finalized list for aB like twice when I was in Boston last week. I felt rushed into sending it; I felt judged even though he says he's not judging me. I sent my finalized list. I didn't say anything else.
Then Mr. "Prince" had to ask me questions like who I was planning on doing things with, was I doing Suigetsu solo now? I thought that was ridiculous. It didn't make sense to just stop doing things that we'd planned to do; I mean, it would be hella obvious to anyone we're not close if we didn't cosplay together at all. feh. Either way, I was basically of the opinion that we'd planned things and I wasn't going to back out of everything just because he'd been a jerk to me treated me like absolute shit.
Of course, this got twisted into how selfish I was because I was getting everything I want--as if--and how it's not fair that I'll be the only one happy because I do all the costumes I want. I boggle at his view of reality, I really do. But he's a master at getting under my skin, at manipulating me and my words and everything that's happened. I responded despite knowing I shouldn't have, he responded back. He said I need to seek professional help because I'm emotionally unstable--a line he's said about his girlfriend. I don't want to go too into detail about the shit he spewed, but it hurt and it got to me and I felt like shit even though I also knew how ridiculous it all was.
I dropped more things because I'm fucking fed up. I'm not going to be treated this way; I won't have him tear me down, and then get pictures with me as if nothing is wrong. Fuck that bullshit. He may be willing to lie about how he feels to people just for pictures, but I'm not. I hated fucking putting on airs at ALA when we did the AU Naruto shoot--yeah it was fun, but it was hard being around someone I'd hurt so badly without having apologized, and someone I was still convinced was so abusive and horrible and so on. I'm sure she felt just as awful being around me. It's BS that he guilt-tripped me into doing that.
Whatever.
So, I dropped more costumes. I didn't want to drop Yuzuriha--which I'd dropped a good week and a half ago, at the very least--but I did. I'd already started, but I want to spend aB Saturday with Gai-sensei. It's my birthday that day and I'd also like to avoid Mr. "Prince". Also, there are things which I will get to involving Gai-sensei...
Anyway. So, Mr. "Prince" hasn't responded to my absolutely finalized 'you-cannot-guilt-trip-me-into-adding-things-back' schedule. He tried to play games with me, though that by taking away certain costumes from me he'd win, but I just don't care. If he doesn't want to cosplay Raikou to my Gau, fine; he doesn't want pictures with my Shampoo, his loss; he doesn't want to do anything at all with me except for maybe Serge because it's for him. I'm not even sure what's going on with that because he hasn't told me if he can stomach being around me for a private photoshoot.
But not having him talk to me is nice. I'd rather he had the last word in a way because it makes me feel like he's just waiting for the right moment to blind-side me with more horrible things about how cruel and twisted I am. However, it's nice. And I'm actually doing much better on the whole.
Newm and I talked a bit about it. She'd asked where he and I stood, I explained that I didn't want to go into detail because she is his friend too and I have no desire to make it seem like she needs to take sides. I'm also just really tired of it; I'm sick of thinking about it, talking about it, and just having it be a thing still. I want to move on. I am, but it's slow work. I feel angry at random moments, worried at others. At least I know that Newm cares about me and is willing to listen to me if I need to go to her. I know I shouldn't doubt that, but it's hard. He's made me feel entirely alone and unlovable; all the insecurities I had going into this pseudo-relationship are now worse. He's called me a feminazi for believing in gender equality; he's told me I put on a facade and am a horrible person which is worse when I have all this guilt over the fact that I made a conscious decision to be romantically involved with him despite his girlfriend; he's made me into the bad guy; he's made me feel worthless...
Nothing I did was good enough, but it's never been good enough. Not for my father, not for friends, not in high school choir or theatre, not with A, not with anyone I've ever been romantic with. I have nothing to offer. I'm not smart enough or pretty enough or something enough. Maybe I'm too annoying, maybe I'm too weird, maybe something. I don't know.
However, despite all this horrible internal self-loathing; despite the shittiness of this situation; despite dreading aB I am doing better. I'm happier, more energetic, and all around I'm more myself. I feel like I can focus on me now, and I can focus on the friends who got neglected because I was so wrapped up in Mr. "Prince".
When I went to Boston last week for Spring break, I got to see a lot of wonderful friends and make a new one.
I also sort of had this sort of epiphany--if you could call it that. I don't know how many people remember the first time I "met" Gai-sensei via Skype, but I'd had this insta-crush on him then. It went away quickly enough because I freaked myself out by saying "it's Gai-sensei! That is not okay" and have since been wrapped up in Mr. "Prince". And then I went to Boston and I got to see Gai-sensei and I was so happy. I was kind of in denial for a bit there, but then I kind of just faced the facts because if I can masturbate to thoughts of him well I should just drop the charade he makes me ridiculously fluttery.
But, no. Seriously, I'm demisexual so I don't typically fantasize about having sex with people. Sometimes I can go forever without masturbating; sometimes I do it just because; sometimes it's a way to destress. But I'm really not capable of fantasizing about people unless I have feelings. I have to. Otherwise it squicks me out. Like actually squicks me out. So I tend to stick to just fictional characters, like Gaara and Lee. It's less squicky for whatever reason.
Uh. Anyhoo, I'm totally into my sensei. I mean, he's not my actual sensei in the teacher sense of course, but he's Gai-sensei which makes the Lee part of me kind of flounder about like "WHAT AM I DOING?! WHAT IS THIS?!?!" but he's not just Gai-sensei. He is his own person, and if his name weren't the same as my little brother's I'd have started calling him by his own name a long time ago.
I was really determined not to talk about these feelings. I was gonna only tell one person, Chibi Sasu-Butt, only that turned into her and my roomie, which turned into another person and another and another. Because I am bad at not talking about feelings. I have decided two things: I am a pixie because I feel things very intensely and must react to those things; and I am a mermaid because I am pretty much incapable of crying--the latter is due to my mom's death and well, it's complicated. I don't much feel like going into detail about it now.
So, either way, I really like Gai-sensei. Like. I really do. It makes me happy because it means like I'm not going the "I'm so bitter, love sucks" route, but it also frightens me and makes me feel like shit because "oh god I do not want to rebound on Gai-sensei and this is way too soon and oh god slut slut slut"
Let me elaborate.
I want to heal before I pursue anyone. I haven't finished healing, not even close. Because I can't cry over this like I would like to, it's going to take a good deal of time. I'm doing fucking fantastic because I'm strong and I bounce back and I am happy by nature, but I am not 100% by any means. I have been incredibly hurt, incredibly torn down and because of that I need to build myself back up. I need to remind myself that I'm a good person, worthy of love and respect, that I'm fun and fantastic, and that no I am not a selfish bitch, that yes I made a mistake, but that does not define me.
I need to do these things for me, not so I can date someone. I need to do these things because Mr. "Prince" was horrible to me, no matter what he says or how he tries to spin this into him being the victim, and that treatment really fucking hurt. I'm afraid of going into something new and either, one: expecting the same treatment and therefore never trusting that person; or two: being so dependent on them to validate me that I become clingy and codependent.
Dating is just not something I want to do for a long while. I hadn't put a date on it before, but I also didn't expect to up and have feelings for someone else not even two full months after this thing with Mr. "Prince" ended. I don't like that I did this. I feel like I'm rebounding--and rebounding onto someone super important to me. I mean, in general, rebounding would make me feel guilty, but this is Gai-sensei. He had feelings for me before--not that I'm supposed to know this. Mr. "Prince" told me for whatever reason--he doesn't fucking respect people. He had no right to tell me that information, you know? I mean, I'm glad I know now, I guess? But I'm also really not. I'd rather not know. Some part of me worries that I may only have these feelings because I know he had a thing for me at one point.
I essentially feel horrible because I'm talking to Gai-sensei more and thinking about him and masturbating to him--and I am convinced he is gonna look at me at aB and know--and I just. Fuck. I feel like shit for these feelings. I spent the majority of today happy over him; we were texting and I was just in a good mood. It was a gorgeous fucking day! I ran into a friend from last semester, we caught up, I had good fun in my classes, and yeah--it was a good fucking day.
But my fucking feelings got the better of me. I was working on my commission and then BAM! Self-loathing.
I remind myself that yes, I did have a crush on him when I first met him. And then that makes me feel worse because what if I could have avoided all this horrible nonsense? But no. It was a lesson I apparently needed to learn.
alskdfjksdf
I really do not want to hurt Gai-sensei. That's what this boils down to. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I really really do not want to hurt him. He's so important to me and I've really missed him. Aside from the fact that I have these feelings, talking to him again does make me really happy. He's a really wonderful person; he's warm, caring, funny, and just all around nice. He doesn't deserve to be a possible rebound.
I'm warring with myself over whether or not these are reboundy feelings. I don't know if they are or not; there's the part of me that is so fucking true to Lee that is petrified of this because "but he's my sensei!"; there's the part of me that's got Mr. "Prince" or his girlfriend sitting on my shoulder telling me I'm a slut and a bitch and a cunt and I'm just using him to feel better about myself and I don't really care about him that way; and there's the romantic part of me saying "but he's so wonderful and safe and kind and warm and he's got nice strong arms to wrap you up in so you could maybe actually cry without feeling so vulnerable and exposed and you could really love him because he would accept it and he'd take it but he'd also give back"; and there's that level part of me that's sitting here going "why must I have these feelings?!?!?!"
Honestly, I don't know what triggered my downward spiral either. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I just want to sing "At Last I See the Light"--because, as my roommate says, I'm a Disney Princess and I sing when I am a fluttery ball of feelings--or if it's just because this is part of the process I'm going through.
I wasn't--I'm not planning on telling him or Kakashi or even Newm about this. I'm petrified that Mr. "Prince" will pick up on it because I am absolutely terrible at hiding my feelings. It's the reason that he and I got involved in the first place! He'd figured out how I felt and took his chances. Mind, saying "I wanna shove my tongue down your throat" is not the best pick up line, though it did work because I am a ball of feelings and just really wanted it.
So, I am anxious that even though I'm determined to wait this out--take the time to heal, to put distance between this situation with Mr. "Prince", to get back to myself, and also to spend more time with Gai-sensei as just friends--that he'll end up finding out. Either he'll find out because Mr. "Prince" figures it out and tells him, or he'll find out because I am painfully obvious and will probably end up flirting awkwardly without meaning to. And either he's over me because it's been so long (which good for him, he shouldn't wait forever because he deserves better than that) or he'll still have feelings for me and expect that this means we'll be an item right now. I'm not ready for right now, at all. And I don't want to make him sit around waiting--it's just not fair! It's not fair, it's not right! But I also know that being with him now wouldn't be fair to either of us.
Honestly, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.
I'm just afraid of being a horrible person and hurting someone who really means a lot to me. I don't want to do that. I don't want to have someone--Mr. "Prince"--trivialize my feelings for Gai-sensei, or the feelings I had and still have to some extent for him. I don't want him to turn around and say that since I apparently moved on so fast he clearly never really meant much to me and that I'm just a skank or something. I don't want him to go to Gai-sensei and tell him about what happened between us, especially since Mr. "Prince" would twist it up in all of his manipulative lies. If anyone tells Gai-sensei, it'll be me. And just the thought of telling Gai-sensei about me and Mr. "Prince" makes me feel awful; I am so afraid of the way he'll look at me when/if he finds out.
All these fucking feelings. How do I hold them? How is this even--laksfks
I just. I half want to run away from this convention altogether and half wanna go; I want to tell Gai-sensei and I don't; I want to kiss him and I want to hide because these feelings are so confusing; I want to smack Mr. "Prince" but I don't because I'd rather ignore him instead and because I hate being violent towards anyone; I wish I could just understand these feelings.
If only this realisation hadn't happened so soon. If it had happened over summer, I'd be less self-deprecating about it all, I think.
/sigh/ I should go to bed. I have work tomorrow. Feh.
Fuck him for trying to turn the tables on me once again; fuck him for taking my power away; fuck him for successfully making me feel like shit; fuck him for stealing my words and using them against me; fuck his martyrdom and his victimization and his ungrateful ass.
I didn't want to message him with the list of what I was dropping because I knew he would start shit. I knew he would fucking find a way to attack me. I knew it.
Why the fuck am I even cosplaying Serge for him? Why the fuck should I bother cosplaying Suigetsu?
He tried to take the high road, saying that he never cursed at me so I'm being horrible to be angry enough to curse at him--but him calling me a bitch publicly on Twitter is totally okay. He thinks that he's better for not cursing, but really what he's done is been manipulative, guilt-trippy and abusive.
He said he's done with me, that he's never forgiving me. I DO NOT WANT YOUR DAMN FORGIVENESS! He said I'm twisted and cruel, that the person I am on the outside to people is a facade which is the biggest fucking laugh because that's him! He's the fucking judgmental, elitist asshole; he's the one who can't fucking let go of shit.
And all of his talking down to me about how I wouldn't be able to put things aside--now he's the one who says he won't take any pictures with me! Good! Fine! I'm done! I don't want you in my life so fuck off!
But it all got to me. I responded. He gets under my skin; I have to defend myself. And then I spend all this energy trying to tell him why I'm reacting to him the way I am, why I'm making the choices I'm making but he's too fucking thick-headed and convinced of his innocence to listen! He fucking turned things around on me. He fucking used the whole "you're making things up, believing things that aren't true" line on me! I did NOT make up him ignoring me for months; I did NOT make up him treating me like shit; I did NOT make up him telling me maybe someday; I did NOT make up him tweeting horrible things about my Jomii cosplay!
I fucking hate what he's doing.
And then he took my power away. I ended it. After months of shit, after countless threats from him to cut me out, I fucking cut him out. And he can't stand it so he thinks he's gonna take my power away by saying he'll never forgive me--as if I want or need that, as if I'll come crawling back!--and that he's done with me.
Then he fucking had the gall, had the audacity to look down on me for being happy, for moving past this shit and healing! How dare he! How dare he make me feel guilty for getting fucking better, for moving past him.
aldskfjkaslfjkads
I am so angry and hurt. I just want to talk to Gai-sensei--which is just so many things I can't even. I just want to not feel like this. I want to cry and be done with him. I don't want drama at this convention; I don't want my birthday to be ruined.
But I dread it. So much.
I just want it to be over.
I'm feeling lonely, insignificant, unimportant, and unlovable. Completely unlovable.
All this drama with this guy has really done a number on me, and I'm do my best to get through it. But then I wonder how he spins things to other people. Sure I know that our mutual friend who cosplays Kakashi said he's not taking sides; sure Newm's known me for years; sure Gai-sensei is Gai-sensei...
But I just. I feel like I'm worthless. I feel like Newm doesn't care so much about seeing me at aB. Or ever really. Which is stupid and paranoid. And I kind of wonder if this guy told her about my feelings for her. I don't trust him not to have. And I feel like others may take sides, believe him and think I'm just a bitch. Tonight, Gai-sensei texted this guy--and he talked about it to me and the Kakashi like it was nothing. Because he has no idea of all the drama going on. And I'm like, what if at the con this guy gets to Gai-sensei. What if he takes everyone away from me?
What if I'm really as horrible as he says? What if no one will ever love me? What if I'm just annoying?
And it's stupid and self-conscious and horrible to think this way.
I cut off all my hair--well, almost all of it--and I do feel a lot better, but I know I still have a ways to go before I can fully heal. And as excited as I am for aB now--especially after seeing Gai-sensei tonight--I still know things aren't going to go smoothly. And I dread it.
I've been anxious all week over whether or not Newm and I would be able to patch things up. Every time I was on Facebook, I'd see if she'd removed me from her friends. Well, she finally did last night. All because what? I yelled at someone who'd treated me like shit for months and was saying who-knows-what about my friend?
In the five years we've known each other, in the two years we'd lived together we never had problems. Not once.
I wish I'd never introduced her to Mr. "Prince".
I don't even want to think about him; I don't want to talk about him; I don't want constant reminders of him. And now I've lost a good friend because of him. Because I was at the end of my rope and snapped.
It's funny because I was so insecure. I've always been a bit insecure in my friendship with her. A did everything to make sure I was alone that first ten months; then Newm moved back home and ignored me for months; now this.
But I still thought I could trust her. I didn't think telling her about what had happened between me and Mr. "Prince" would be fair. She was a mutual friend; I didn't want it to seem like she had to take sides; and I thought "surely as my good friend she'd be upset on my behalf".
Guess I never meant that much to her in the first place.
It makes me question everything. Looking at pictures, I wonder if she was actually happy spending time with me; when she'd say we were like sisters...
And she knew I was insecure. I've had so much guilt over the things that happened between Mr. "Prince" and myself; I felt horrible for her getting dragged into it; I missed her because she's far away and I always considered her so important to me; I worried that he'd say something to her...but I still trusted her.
Five years. Tossed away just like that.
It's a deep wound, as melodramatic as that sounds. This is worse than what A put us through, and I'm not sure what the future holds where Newm and I are concerned now.
I've been so tired of all this drama. I was tired of hurting people; I was tired of hurting myself. I thought ending things with Mr. "Prince" would be good--I mean, it is. It's great. I'm happier; I'm not exhausted all the time; and barring my insecurities from the situation, I feel better about myself. I know I made the right decision. But losing Newm to this...
It's horrible to have all your insecurities validated just like that.
Now, I remember how Newm never really stood up for me to A, and I think that it's because I really wasn't important enough. I think the only reason she chose me over A, now, is because A wasn't treating her all that well either.
I almost cried last night when I saw that she'd unfriended me. But with how difficult it usually is for me to cry--the events of aB weekend being one of the few exceptions--I just couldn't. My sensei came online, and at one point it was just us in call before he went to bed and I felt a lot better. I know he doesn't like things he can't fix, so I didn't talk about it a lot; but he still helped cheer me up. He's good at that.
Today's been a hard day. After looking through pictures last night, I'm just...very sad.
I don't have the energy right now to deal with it properly, and I honestly don't want to deal with it.
While I'm doing marginally better since my mope-fest last night, I'm still not like 100%. It's hard not to think about everything, considering. I'm also realising that I've already assumed the crash position.
Because I expect it to go like every failed pseudo-relationship I've had, or even just every person I've had strong feelings for. So here I am in the crash position, waiting for him to blame me for something or hate me for who-knows-what or something else to go wrong because it always does. I'm too intense, I'm too honest, I'm too selfish and selfless, I'm too unimportant...
We're just being friends, but even still I feel like I'm not going to measure up. And this is why I am not ready for a relationship. After all the invalidating I've been through, after all the times I've not been/felt good enough or been blamed for things when I shouldn't have been, I need to step back. I need to be okay with myself, and right now I am really not. I'm not sure of my self-worth at all. I feel like I need reassurance, but I can't get that from him at every turn.
Sensei and I talked for like fifteen or twenty minutes tonight before he left. In some way, I feel like he's calling me just to reassure me about this weekend. Which is really nice, because I do sort of need that; but I really do not want that to be the only reason he calls and I don't want that to be something I need. I trust him, it's my own worth I don't trust.
I think that's another reason why this whole not dating him thing is a good thing. I've never had a real relationship, and because of that and where I'm at emotionally I feel like I'd just end up fucking it up. I'd fuck it up not just because of my insecurities, but because of my lack of experience. He's a really understanding person, but I think I'd be way too in need of validation and that is not the kind of relationship I want (especially with him). And if I am a sub or at least leaning more towards it where he's concerned, then I really do not want to be going into this with so many insecurities or any other baggage. Having someone put a collar on me when I'm where I'm at personally is just a bad idea. I don't quite want to be owned and I definitely don't want to be put in my place, but I do want to be his; I want him to put his hand on my neck again and remind me who I belong to--and that is why this is not for right now. Because I can't be in a position like that when I'm so insecure. I'd subconsciously tie my worth to being his, and that's not healthy.
I was talking with my roommate about how wonderful he is and.... God, he really is. He is so wonderful and genuine, and doubting him is all about doubting myself. I don't want to do that. Given time, I'll be a lot more comfortable in myself again. After Faerie Twin, I had to take time; after Pizza I needed a lot of fucking time; after Celestial Lady pressuring me into sex I had to do a lot of self-actualization; after this new situation--not the one with Sensei--I need time.
I certainly didn't intend to like anyone right now, but I'm okay with it because of who the person is. I just need to move past this hurdle of wanting to be with him when we're both not at that place, as well as the massive waste land of insecurities I have.
There is no closure coming from anywhere; there is no validation coming from others. It's all up to me. This is time for myself.
I bought my sensei his birthday present yesterday--because I'm a good student who buys things a month in advance. I'm sticking to something small and friend-like, and I'm going to make him rice crispy treats since he loves them so much. I want to be able to be really good friends--better than we were before when all I did was call him Gai-sensei and even better than after the events of this weekend. There are certainly some experiences that you cannot help but grow closer after--this weekend was definitely one, but I don't want it to end there. And it's not about being able to date "someday"; it's about being good friends and having that last.
Anyway, I feel better now that I've gotten this off my chest. Time heals all wounds if you let it.
Just finished talking with my roommate about things between me and my sensei. There was some part of me trying to hold on to hope that someday we could be more than just friends. I mean, I'm okay with everything that happened between us and the decision we made.
But it sucks. And it hurts.
I don't want to compromise our friendship; I don't want him to regret this weekend because I'm a bit--okay, a lot--sad; I don't want things to be awkward between us.
I'll stop holding on to hope because it'll only make this harder. I didn't want to date anyone right now, anyway. I need time for myself after everything that's transpired in my life over the past however many months. I need to be happy with myself again.
I still have the very best sensei ever, and I have an amazing friend.
But right now, I just want it to be okay for me to be sad.
A lot of things have been happening--a lot of good things--in my life. I feel happy again, which is kind of amazing, and like I am more myself than I have been since moving from San Francisco. I'm still struggling with a lot of things, like the shit with Mr. "Prince", but at least I'm moving past it. Things get better with each passing day.
I'm also talking with Gai-sensei a lot--again, I really need a new codename, but at least I'm calling him by his real name more often! It's nice talking to him. Other than being a ridiculous flirt, painfully obvious, and incredibly spastic to the point where I'm convinced he knows--well, actually, that's not so much an "other than" as just a fact of what is fun about talking with him. Flirting with him is fun and easy. All of this is easy. I've calmed down a bit, but not like to the point where I don't smile at every turn and spaz like crazy over things with him.
And he may be flirting back, but that's really really hard to say. I can't figure it out. Kakashi ended up texting me last night--okay, first: I had a dream night before last that he knew that I have feelings for Gai-sensei. In the dream, I was much more calm about it than I was last night when he texted me to ask about it.
Uh. Right, the point is that Kakashi figured it out because I am so painfully obvious--which is why I think that Gai-sensei knows and may be flirting back. We've been making a lot more sexual jokes around each other, and tonight we even had a legit talk about sexuality and also my gender issues which I will talk about at another time when it is not like 2:30 in the morning. Also, I'm waiting on Kakashi to get online, if he even will--he may be too tired--so that he can help me figure out if Gai-sensei is flirting with me.
I mean, Kakashi knows Gai-sensei better than I do; he's known him longer. He said last night that Gai-sensei isn't looking for anything, but...I guess you never know? Gai-sensei has said several times over the course of this past week where we've talked like every night that he doesn't like to rush romances, he likes to take things slow. I feel like that's....sort of hinting? Maybe? Or maybe I'm just assuming too much?
But it's so confusing when he sends me text messages about smashing--ie: rough sex--at work! And I'm so confused, and the closer it gets to aB the more I start to panic over the fact that "what if I was totally wrong about liking him" and "oh god, I do not want to see Mr. 'Prince' because no" and other things. I mean, I totally do like Gai-sensei, but I have these doubts because being demisexual is confusing sometimes and sex can be kind of scary and squicky, but god at the same time I really do want Gai-sensei... and other than that I mean, relationships don't revolve around sex despite what some people seem to think.
Uh. I'm losing my train of thought.
Which is that my very obvious lack of being subtle is going to get me in trouble, though probably the good kind because Gai-sensei is a good person and if he did have a girlfriend I would back peddle so damn fast it's not even funny. But but what if he does like me? And I mean, I want to wait and be patient, but I also don't butalskdfalsidjfaklsdjfk
Fuck, I can't even keep this on track. I honestly no longer have any idea why I decided to blog tonight.
Probably because of all the flirting. I was at work when some of this flirting was happening. My coworkers are teasing me about this. I made ridiculous noises because Gai-sensei texted me "Hahaha I'm distracting you with talk about hair pulling and biting while smashing muahahahahaha!!!!..." and just.asdfjasifjaosdfh;silfaiosdf how the fuck was I not supposed to react to that??? But at work it's really not a good idea--especially when your job is to call people--to make really undignified high pitched squeals. It was just--unexpected!
So that's probably flirting, but he tends to ere on the side of making perverted jokes a lot. Which is why I'm confused.
On the plus side, I booked two appointments today. One of which took seventy-five minutes because this old guy would not stop talking. He was a teacher, and he kept saying I shouldn't go to Hampshire because they'll make me pro-abortion, which is awkward cause I'm pro-choice and work is not where you talk politics--at least not to customers--and he just was so nice, but he went on and on and was sometimes really sexist and asldfkjaskf It was difficult to smile and nod at some of the things he would say.
Either way, two appointments. And this weekend one of my past appointments just sold for 69K which is fucking bangin'. Because sales like that mean I get to keep my job. Not that I was necessarily in danger of losing it, but it's been--or had been--weeks since I'd book an appointment.
Whatever.
Anyhoo. I'm a spaz. I'm trying not to be. I think he may like me or at least be flirting, but I'm too self-conscious. And then I freak out about my demisexuality causing problems. I really do think taking this slow is a good idea. I normally rush head long into things. So I'd like to not do that with him because like he's so wonderful and I really really do not want to fuck it up.
I'm just...this was so pointless.
I'm more tired than I'd like to be right now. I have a million things to do for animeBoston and only nine days to do it all in--only, I have work tomorrow and Friday, and class on Thursday. So...we'll see how that goes. Plus, I'll be working on Monday.
But this is less about aB and more about where I'm at emotionally. Specifically in regards to my feelings for Gai-sensei, who needs a new name since I'm trying to call him by his actual name now and an actual codename for this would probably go a long way in helping me with that.
/sigh
But I wonder if there's a point. He probably only sees me as Lee and, I mean, it was a year ago nearly that he had this crush on me--at least according to Mr. "Prince". I don't even know how serious it was. I just know he had one.
We talked via video chat last night on Skype. Me, him, and our friend who cosplays Sakura. He'd messaged her when she and I were talking on video call. Which made me all unhappy and sad and suspicious. Because she didn't get wrapped up in some guy and completely ignore her friends. And they're very comfortable with each other, and I'm just trying to be cute and have all of his attention because I'm ridiculous.
Seriously, I'd be the happiest if all he did was talk to me everyday. That's all I want. Someone who loves me unconditionally. I don't need things, I don't need outlandish dates and things. I just want someone who would love me and above all, accept my love for them.
And I don't know why these feelings had to happen now. Gai-sensei doesn't deserve to be a rebound; I don't deserve someone as wonderful as him. I'm just a mess of feelings; a complete wreck of self-loathing; and I really want to talk to him right now on Skype, but I don't think he's gonna come on. Which makes me sad because I asked him to.
But he texted me all day today, so I can't blame him. And by now he's probably too tired for conversation since he had work all day. But I bet I was just downright annoying.
I was so happy though because I got the first text from him right before I left my house. I was singing all day, and happy. I talked with my friend from ASL--telling her the story in sign, since she's deaf--and was all fluttery throughout. We made jokes in class about it, and then I went to English and it was a good class, too.
And then I came home and ate food that made me feel sick. Or possibly the lack of eating all day made me feel sick. I don't know. Maybe there was cross-contamination. It's moot. I took a shower. Which was nice, but my the water pressure is a tease, that's for damn sure.
Working on costumes was going okay. I started the buns for Shampoo, I got the purse for her done. I still need to finish the shoes and get the covers for the little ball things done, but I'm so close to finishing. And then I fucked up because I got soooo depressed, but I still have 'At Last I See the Light' stuck in my head because it's been in there all day.
And I was so flirty last night. Oh god. But he doesn't get it. At least I don't think he does. But at one point, he left the call completely and our friend, Sakura, she went to go do stuff so I went to go vent to my roommate about Gai-sensei's sexy arms and his shirtlessness and his alskdfaskfjaskljfs and my flirting and everything.
In the midst of my ranting, I turned around to see that the call--which was of course still up--showed not just Sakura, but also Gai-sensei. And I freaked out because he could have heard! But he didn't say anything later on--he disappeared after I saw him on, then came back ten minutes later. So I have no idea if he heard. And if he did, I don't know. I mean, maybe he doesn't like me anymore. And that's fine. I mean, I'll be sad, but he's a really nice person. I don't think he'd be a jerk about it. I just...
I really do like him, and this is playing into my fears of being alone and never being loved on top of all the self-loathing, and that little voice in my head that is Mr. "Prince" and sometimes his girlfriend. And I know I'm not over Mr. "Prince" and the shit he put me through. I still have healing to do, and I still have feelings for him but not the way I did before at all. I'm just so bitter and angry and resentful and paranoid. And I want him completely out of my life, but there are constant reminders of him on FB or even just in looking at fanart of characters he does or will cosplay. And he can't even be out-out until after aB.
I just. I want to tell Gai-sensei how I feel; I want to know where I stand with him, but I don't want to rush anything so I can't; I want Mr. "Prince" to never darken my doorstep again; I want to curl up in a ball. It's too early for bed, and some part of me hopes that Gai-sensei will want to talk to me...but it's a small part. So I'm gonna stay up until midnight maybe and try to get work on aB stuff done.
Yeah.
I just. I felt miserable and I really needed to feeling's jam.
I'd actually intended this to be a short, fun, sexy blog; also, a blog of confessions. Instead, I started thinking self-deprecating thoughts and so now it's just me being really unhappy and talking about my day--which, hey! I haven't done that in forever, right?
I don't know entirely where I should start. I'm supposed to be working on my commission for this young lady, but I kind of messed up on it because I was so unhappy. Thankfully I have enough fabric, but I can't afford to mess up again. /sigh/
That's not even what I was planning on talking about really.
So, the past few days I haven't heard from Mr. Thinks-He's-a-Fucking-Prince--which is much too long to actually be a viable codename for him, so expect a change or a shortening of said name. Not hearing from him has been amazing. I was the last one to send him a message though, so I keep expecting one back. I'd ignored him for a good week, but then Kakashi brought up me sending Mr. "Prince" my finalized list for aB like twice when I was in Boston last week. I felt rushed into sending it; I felt judged even though he says he's not judging me. I sent my finalized list. I didn't say anything else.
Then Mr. "Prince" had to ask me questions like who I was planning on doing things with, was I doing Suigetsu solo now? I thought that was ridiculous. It didn't make sense to just stop doing things that we'd planned to do; I mean, it would be hella obvious to anyone we're not close if we didn't cosplay together at all. feh. Either way, I was basically of the opinion that we'd planned things and I wasn't going to back out of everything just because he'd been a jerk to me treated me like absolute shit.
Of course, this got twisted into how selfish I was because I was getting everything I want--as if--and how it's not fair that I'll be the only one happy because I do all the costumes I want. I boggle at his view of reality, I really do. But he's a master at getting under my skin, at manipulating me and my words and everything that's happened. I responded despite knowing I shouldn't have, he responded back. He said I need to seek professional help because I'm emotionally unstable--a line he's said about his girlfriend. I don't want to go too into detail about the shit he spewed, but it hurt and it got to me and I felt like shit even though I also knew how ridiculous it all was.
I dropped more things because I'm fucking fed up. I'm not going to be treated this way; I won't have him tear me down, and then get pictures with me as if nothing is wrong. Fuck that bullshit. He may be willing to lie about how he feels to people just for pictures, but I'm not. I hated fucking putting on airs at ALA when we did the AU Naruto shoot--yeah it was fun, but it was hard being around someone I'd hurt so badly without having apologized, and someone I was still convinced was so abusive and horrible and so on. I'm sure she felt just as awful being around me. It's BS that he guilt-tripped me into doing that.
Whatever.
So, I dropped more costumes. I didn't want to drop Yuzuriha--which I'd dropped a good week and a half ago, at the very least--but I did. I'd already started, but I want to spend aB Saturday with Gai-sensei. It's my birthday that day and I'd also like to avoid Mr. "Prince". Also, there are things which I will get to involving Gai-sensei...
Anyway. So, Mr. "Prince" hasn't responded to my absolutely finalized 'you-cannot-guilt-trip-me-into-adding-things-back' schedule. He tried to play games with me, though that by taking away certain costumes from me he'd win, but I just don't care. If he doesn't want to cosplay Raikou to my Gau, fine; he doesn't want pictures with my Shampoo, his loss; he doesn't want to do anything at all with me except for maybe Serge because it's for him. I'm not even sure what's going on with that because he hasn't told me if he can stomach being around me for a private photoshoot.
But not having him talk to me is nice. I'd rather he had the last word in a way because it makes me feel like he's just waiting for the right moment to blind-side me with more horrible things about how cruel and twisted I am. However, it's nice. And I'm actually doing much better on the whole.
Newm and I talked a bit about it. She'd asked where he and I stood, I explained that I didn't want to go into detail because she is his friend too and I have no desire to make it seem like she needs to take sides. I'm also just really tired of it; I'm sick of thinking about it, talking about it, and just having it be a thing still. I want to move on. I am, but it's slow work. I feel angry at random moments, worried at others. At least I know that Newm cares about me and is willing to listen to me if I need to go to her. I know I shouldn't doubt that, but it's hard. He's made me feel entirely alone and unlovable; all the insecurities I had going into this pseudo-relationship are now worse. He's called me a feminazi for believing in gender equality; he's told me I put on a facade and am a horrible person which is worse when I have all this guilt over the fact that I made a conscious decision to be romantically involved with him despite his girlfriend; he's made me into the bad guy; he's made me feel worthless...
Nothing I did was good enough, but it's never been good enough. Not for my father, not for friends, not in high school choir or theatre, not with A, not with anyone I've ever been romantic with. I have nothing to offer. I'm not smart enough or pretty enough or something enough. Maybe I'm too annoying, maybe I'm too weird, maybe something. I don't know.
However, despite all this horrible internal self-loathing; despite the shittiness of this situation; despite dreading aB I am doing better. I'm happier, more energetic, and all around I'm more myself. I feel like I can focus on me now, and I can focus on the friends who got neglected because I was so wrapped up in Mr. "Prince".
When I went to Boston last week for Spring break, I got to see a lot of wonderful friends and make a new one.
I also sort of had this sort of epiphany--if you could call it that. I don't know how many people remember the first time I "met" Gai-sensei via Skype, but I'd had this insta-crush on him then. It went away quickly enough because I freaked myself out by saying "it's Gai-sensei! That is not okay" and have since been wrapped up in Mr. "Prince". And then I went to Boston and I got to see Gai-sensei and I was so happy. I was kind of in denial for a bit there, but then I kind of just faced the facts because if I can masturbate to thoughts of him well I should just drop the charade he makes me ridiculously fluttery.
But, no. Seriously, I'm demisexual so I don't typically fantasize about having sex with people. Sometimes I can go forever without masturbating; sometimes I do it just because; sometimes it's a way to destress. But I'm really not capable of fantasizing about people unless I have feelings. I have to. Otherwise it squicks me out. Like actually squicks me out. So I tend to stick to just fictional characters, like Gaara and Lee. It's less squicky for whatever reason.
Uh. Anyhoo, I'm totally into my sensei. I mean, he's not my actual sensei in the teacher sense of course, but he's Gai-sensei which makes the Lee part of me kind of flounder about like "WHAT AM I DOING?! WHAT IS THIS?!?!" but he's not just Gai-sensei. He is his own person, and if his name weren't the same as my little brother's I'd have started calling him by his own name a long time ago.
I was really determined not to talk about these feelings. I was gonna only tell one person, Chibi Sasu-Butt, only that turned into her and my roomie, which turned into another person and another and another. Because I am bad at not talking about feelings. I have decided two things: I am a pixie because I feel things very intensely and must react to those things; and I am a mermaid because I am pretty much incapable of crying--the latter is due to my mom's death and well, it's complicated. I don't much feel like going into detail about it now.
So, either way, I really like Gai-sensei. Like. I really do. It makes me happy because it means like I'm not going the "I'm so bitter, love sucks" route, but it also frightens me and makes me feel like shit because "oh god I do not want to rebound on Gai-sensei and this is way too soon and oh god slut slut slut"
Let me elaborate.
I want to heal before I pursue anyone. I haven't finished healing, not even close. Because I can't cry over this like I would like to, it's going to take a good deal of time. I'm doing fucking fantastic because I'm strong and I bounce back and I am happy by nature, but I am not 100% by any means. I have been incredibly hurt, incredibly torn down and because of that I need to build myself back up. I need to remind myself that I'm a good person, worthy of love and respect, that I'm fun and fantastic, and that no I am not a selfish bitch, that yes I made a mistake, but that does not define me.
I need to do these things for me, not so I can date someone. I need to do these things because Mr. "Prince" was horrible to me, no matter what he says or how he tries to spin this into him being the victim, and that treatment really fucking hurt. I'm afraid of going into something new and either, one: expecting the same treatment and therefore never trusting that person; or two: being so dependent on them to validate me that I become clingy and codependent.
Dating is just not something I want to do for a long while. I hadn't put a date on it before, but I also didn't expect to up and have feelings for someone else not even two full months after this thing with Mr. "Prince" ended. I don't like that I did this. I feel like I'm rebounding--and rebounding onto someone super important to me. I mean, in general, rebounding would make me feel guilty, but this is Gai-sensei. He had feelings for me before--not that I'm supposed to know this. Mr. "Prince" told me for whatever reason--he doesn't fucking respect people. He had no right to tell me that information, you know? I mean, I'm glad I know now, I guess? But I'm also really not. I'd rather not know. Some part of me worries that I may only have these feelings because I know he had a thing for me at one point.
I essentially feel horrible because I'm talking to Gai-sensei more and thinking about him and masturbating to him--and I am convinced he is gonna look at me at aB and know--and I just. Fuck. I feel like shit for these feelings. I spent the majority of today happy over him; we were texting and I was just in a good mood. It was a gorgeous fucking day! I ran into a friend from last semester, we caught up, I had good fun in my classes, and yeah--it was a good fucking day.
But my fucking feelings got the better of me. I was working on my commission and then BAM! Self-loathing.
I remind myself that yes, I did have a crush on him when I first met him. And then that makes me feel worse because what if I could have avoided all this horrible nonsense? But no. It was a lesson I apparently needed to learn.
alskdfjksdf
I really do not want to hurt Gai-sensei. That's what this boils down to. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I really really do not want to hurt him. He's so important to me and I've really missed him. Aside from the fact that I have these feelings, talking to him again does make me really happy. He's a really wonderful person; he's warm, caring, funny, and just all around nice. He doesn't deserve to be a possible rebound.
I'm warring with myself over whether or not these are reboundy feelings. I don't know if they are or not; there's the part of me that is so fucking true to Lee that is petrified of this because "but he's my sensei!"; there's the part of me that's got Mr. "Prince" or his girlfriend sitting on my shoulder telling me I'm a slut and a bitch and a cunt and I'm just using him to feel better about myself and I don't really care about him that way; and there's the romantic part of me saying "but he's so wonderful and safe and kind and warm and he's got nice strong arms to wrap you up in so you could maybe actually cry without feeling so vulnerable and exposed and you could really love him because he would accept it and he'd take it but he'd also give back"; and there's that level part of me that's sitting here going "why must I have these feelings?!?!?!"
Honestly, I don't know what triggered my downward spiral either. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I just want to sing "At Last I See the Light"--because, as my roommate says, I'm a Disney Princess and I sing when I am a fluttery ball of feelings--or if it's just because this is part of the process I'm going through.
I wasn't--I'm not planning on telling him or Kakashi or even Newm about this. I'm petrified that Mr. "Prince" will pick up on it because I am absolutely terrible at hiding my feelings. It's the reason that he and I got involved in the first place! He'd figured out how I felt and took his chances. Mind, saying "I wanna shove my tongue down your throat" is not the best pick up line, though it did work because I am a ball of feelings and just really wanted it.
So, I am anxious that even though I'm determined to wait this out--take the time to heal, to put distance between this situation with Mr. "Prince", to get back to myself, and also to spend more time with Gai-sensei as just friends--that he'll end up finding out. Either he'll find out because Mr. "Prince" figures it out and tells him, or he'll find out because I am painfully obvious and will probably end up flirting awkwardly without meaning to. And either he's over me because it's been so long (which good for him, he shouldn't wait forever because he deserves better than that) or he'll still have feelings for me and expect that this means we'll be an item right now. I'm not ready for right now, at all. And I don't want to make him sit around waiting--it's just not fair! It's not fair, it's not right! But I also know that being with him now wouldn't be fair to either of us.
Honestly, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.
I'm just afraid of being a horrible person and hurting someone who really means a lot to me. I don't want to do that. I don't want to have someone--Mr. "Prince"--trivialize my feelings for Gai-sensei, or the feelings I had and still have to some extent for him. I don't want him to turn around and say that since I apparently moved on so fast he clearly never really meant much to me and that I'm just a skank or something. I don't want him to go to Gai-sensei and tell him about what happened between us, especially since Mr. "Prince" would twist it up in all of his manipulative lies. If anyone tells Gai-sensei, it'll be me. And just the thought of telling Gai-sensei about me and Mr. "Prince" makes me feel awful; I am so afraid of the way he'll look at me when/if he finds out.
All these fucking feelings. How do I hold them? How is this even--laksfks
I just. I half want to run away from this convention altogether and half wanna go; I want to tell Gai-sensei and I don't; I want to kiss him and I want to hide because these feelings are so confusing; I want to smack Mr. "Prince" but I don't because I'd rather ignore him instead and because I hate being violent towards anyone; I wish I could just understand these feelings.
If only this realisation hadn't happened so soon. If it had happened over summer, I'd be less self-deprecating about it all, I think.
/sigh/ I should go to bed. I have work tomorrow. Feh.
Fuck him for trying to turn the tables on me once again; fuck him for taking my power away; fuck him for successfully making me feel like shit; fuck him for stealing my words and using them against me; fuck his martyrdom and his victimization and his ungrateful ass.
I didn't want to message him with the list of what I was dropping because I knew he would start shit. I knew he would fucking find a way to attack me. I knew it.
Why the fuck am I even cosplaying Serge for him? Why the fuck should I bother cosplaying Suigetsu?
He tried to take the high road, saying that he never cursed at me so I'm being horrible to be angry enough to curse at him--but him calling me a bitch publicly on Twitter is totally okay. He thinks that he's better for not cursing, but really what he's done is been manipulative, guilt-trippy and abusive.
He said he's done with me, that he's never forgiving me. I DO NOT WANT YOUR DAMN FORGIVENESS! He said I'm twisted and cruel, that the person I am on the outside to people is a facade which is the biggest fucking laugh because that's him! He's the fucking judgmental, elitist asshole; he's the one who can't fucking let go of shit.
And all of his talking down to me about how I wouldn't be able to put things aside--now he's the one who says he won't take any pictures with me! Good! Fine! I'm done! I don't want you in my life so fuck off!
But it all got to me. I responded. He gets under my skin; I have to defend myself. And then I spend all this energy trying to tell him why I'm reacting to him the way I am, why I'm making the choices I'm making but he's too fucking thick-headed and convinced of his innocence to listen! He fucking turned things around on me. He fucking used the whole "you're making things up, believing things that aren't true" line on me! I did NOT make up him ignoring me for months; I did NOT make up him treating me like shit; I did NOT make up him telling me maybe someday; I did NOT make up him tweeting horrible things about my Jomii cosplay!
I fucking hate what he's doing.
And then he took my power away. I ended it. After months of shit, after countless threats from him to cut me out, I fucking cut him out. And he can't stand it so he thinks he's gonna take my power away by saying he'll never forgive me--as if I want or need that, as if I'll come crawling back!--and that he's done with me.
Then he fucking had the gall, had the audacity to look down on me for being happy, for moving past this shit and healing! How dare he! How dare he make me feel guilty for getting fucking better, for moving past him.
aldskfjkaslfjkads
I am so angry and hurt. I just want to talk to Gai-sensei--which is just so many things I can't even. I just want to not feel like this. I want to cry and be done with him. I don't want drama at this convention; I don't want my birthday to be ruined.
But I dread it. So much.
I just want it to be over.
I'm feeling lonely, insignificant, unimportant, and unlovable. Completely unlovable.
All this drama with this guy has really done a number on me, and I'm do my best to get through it. But then I wonder how he spins things to other people. Sure I know that our mutual friend who cosplays Kakashi said he's not taking sides; sure Newm's known me for years; sure Gai-sensei is Gai-sensei...
But I just. I feel like I'm worthless. I feel like Newm doesn't care so much about seeing me at aB. Or ever really. Which is stupid and paranoid. And I kind of wonder if this guy told her about my feelings for her. I don't trust him not to have. And I feel like others may take sides, believe him and think I'm just a bitch. Tonight, Gai-sensei texted this guy--and he talked about it to me and the Kakashi like it was nothing. Because he has no idea of all the drama going on. And I'm like, what if at the con this guy gets to Gai-sensei. What if he takes everyone away from me?
What if I'm really as horrible as he says? What if no one will ever love me? What if I'm just annoying?
And it's stupid and self-conscious and horrible to think this way.
I cut off all my hair--well, almost all of it--and I do feel a lot better, but I know I still have a ways to go before I can fully heal. And as excited as I am for aB now--especially after seeing Gai-sensei tonight--I still know things aren't going to go smoothly. And I dread it.
