![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
capttimetravelI'm basically hiding in a hole right now, avoiding the internet. But I just...I have all these hurt feelings, all this confusion, and the only thing I can think to do is to write my feelings out.
Everything is kind of falling apart. I'm mad at myself and mad at the situation and mad at the person I think started this entire thing. I don't want to talk in detail about anything because I honestly don't know if I can even trust that it won't get back to people I'd rather it not get back to. I treat my blog like a journal, and until now it's never been a problem. I never use real names for a reason; I sometimes customize who can see what for a reason. It's a space that I use for myself to get support and to talk about things when I need, you know? I expect the people who can see things like my Twitter, LJ, and FB not to talk about what they see because it's privated/friend's only for a reason. I talk a lot about a lot of things, from frustrations with a living situation to the sex I've had. My Tumblr is the only thing not privated because you can't private a Tumblr without making it all kinds of complicated.
And in general, I just assume Tumblr is a safe place because the internet has never let me down before. I made a big mistake in talking about things in my life that had no business being even vaguely mentioned on Tumblr; it got back to someone--and I'm almost positive who--and that someone informed someone else.
This entire situation reminds me a lot of the situation I was in a few years back with Faerie Twin. I mean, it's certainly different...but now I'm sitting around blaming myself completely, questioning my worth, questioning whether or not I'll end up alone, if Gai-sensei will ever talk to me again, and so many other things.
This entire month has been one massive drama-fest. I've cried a lot, which is not something I'm all that used to doing. The last--god, almost year--of my life has been drama, in all honesty. Unnecessary drama; hurtful drama (not just hurtful to me); downright exhausting drama.
But you know, I thought I'd put an end to it. Sure aB did not go well at all; shit was really bad and I've been really unhappy over it. I had a dream this morning about aB--about Newm still being my friend, and I cried in my dream because she's such an important friend to me and I miss her so much. But even with all the drama from aB, I was still doing better. I was feeling better; I had happy things and exciting things to look forward to. And I was trying to get past a lot of hurt feelings from not only aB, but the rest of the drama in my life from this past year. I was trying to remind myself of a lot of things; I was trying to keep my feelings in check where Gai-sensei was concerned; I was gonna finish out this semester good; I was gonna get Fanime shit taken care of in a timely manner; I was getting my commission done...
Shit was getting better, because that's just how life works. Nothing is permanent, including sadness. This will eventually get better, too.
But right now I hurt. Sometimes I just want to curl up and cry, but that's usually when I can't cry. I almost cried today, but then I couldn't. I cried Friday while talking with my roommate. Then we went out to the bridge right before NoHo and I threw a necklace into the water that Mr. "Prince" had given me over summer. I threw some other stuff away too. Just trying to purge negativity from my life. Letting go of that stuff is really important to moving forward, to being happy...
Only sometimes things try to hold on to you, and try to fuck up your happiness. I think that's partly what's happening here, but I just have no idea. I haven't talked to Gai-sensei since Thursday. The last thing he said to me was the message about what he'd heard and how he was upset/freaked out.
I keep thinking about that. He's freaked out. I freaked him out.
And this is so much like so many other times I've had feelings for someone. I'm too intense with my feelings or I talk too much. I don't want this to be like when FT stopped talking to me. Six months of waiting, wondering, being hurt and angry, being sad and lonely, trying to tell myself I didn't deserve that--and I'm not saying Gai-sensei doesn't have every right to be upset, but I have no idea what exactly he was told. I haven't been able to give him an explanation; I haven't been able to apologize to him other than the message I sent him right after what he'd sent me.
I was so upset I couldn't handle reading what he'd sent in full at the time. I re-read it today--that was why I almost cried--and I just...after thinking about this so much, I just want to talk to him and try to explain things. And I just want to know if things will be okay between us. I get that I fucked up, I get that we're just friends from now on--if he even wants to be--but I feel like there are things that I need to explain. Not just things about what I was posting--because most of what I was posting on Tumblr was "oh hey I want to have sex with this person", not "LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE SEX I HAD!"--but I also think there's some other stuff I need to explain. And I don't know how to explain it, if I can even put words to it. I don't want him to look at me differently--not that this shit hasn't already fucked that up--but god, I'm ashamed of what I think I may need to explain to him.
I hate myself sometimes. This entire situation has made me feel so fucking lonely; I keep saying 'this is why you can't do love (and sex). Every time you get involved with someone, shit gets fucked. No one will ever love you, and being involved with people is just painful. Be a lone wanderer again. Don't bother with this love nonsense and don't bother with making new friends.'
I've rushed into things so many times because I'm too reckless; I get so excited because I'm a feelings person, and I talk because I'm a wordy person. And it always gets me fucked.
I don't even know what the fuck I'm saying anymore. I'm just tired and I needed to vent; I feel so unmotivated to do anything, but I want to sew tonight and work on my research paper. But I also have all these feelings, and my chest has been so tight from all this unhappiness to sort out, all these insecurities to work through, all that invalidation to ignore....
I don't want to lose myself to bitterness and anger and resentment; I don't want to wallow and mope and be all kinds of maudlin over this. I just want to be able to be me. I want to learn from my mistake, but I still want to be me. I don't want to feel like I can't ever be excited and happy and rambly.
If I could just talk to him, I feel like I'd feel better--or possibly just worse, but I want to be positive. However, I want to respect his request for distance. It's just, the not knowing is getting to me. The constant doubts, the constant worry. Because what if it is just like FT and he doesn't talk to me for six months? What if I end up never getting to cosplay with him again? Or hang out with him? Or talk to him? What if by the time he does talk to me, I've talked myself into a hole and I can't be around him because I just feel too horrible? I hate having people be mad at me, I hate doing things that hurt others or disrespect others. I don't like this feeling at all, and I just wish I could figure out a way to fix everything.
And in the back of my head, I have this stupid little voice invalidating me. All of my feelings are just instability, it says. And I know who that voice belongs to and I know I shouldn't listen, but it's so hard.
Hopefully this weekend I can get my new tattoo. I'm getting 絶対大丈夫だよ (zettai daijoubu da yo/everything will absolutely be all right) from CCS tattooed on my arm. It's been my mantra for ten years, and I've been wanting it on my arm for the last two or so years. After all the shit from this past year, I think now is the best time to get it. I don't want to ever forget that mantra, I don't want to ever feel like I can't pull myself back up.
Since I overslept today because I was so exhausted, I missed ASL. I haven't done much more than play Zelda and depress myself. Zelda and Robot Unicorn Attack have been the things that keep me from being a complete zombie. I need things to do that are mindless and distracting. I had to stop playing Zelda though because it wasn't distracting me enough from my thoughts.
I can't decide if I should do my research for my paper (which consists of watching yaoi) or if I should just keep listening to Florence + the Machine, eat and then sew. Or maybe play more Zelda. Tomorrow I head off to Boston to hang out with Hime for her birthday. Hopefully that'll be a fun adventure. I need fun adventures right now. Fun times, a new tattoo, and a breather.
I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Tonight, I was checking FB and I found out that another friend has decided to unfriend me. I have no idea why. I don't know what I did, I don't know why he'd do this other than hearing horrible lies about me. But he's unfriended me too.
And so I messaged Gai-sensei to make sure that he and I will absolutely be okay. I had to log off of Skype because not getting an answer was making my stomach turn. I don't know what's going to happen. Everything hurts; my life feels like it's falling apart.
My best friend and I were talking on the phone tonight, and I was just bawling to him. My roommate tried very hard to offer me reassurance that I have friends who care about me. I know I do, but at the same time it's really hard to go through this shit and feel like I matter at all. I feel invalidated, alone, worthless...
And even though I know I'll be okay eventually, I'm scared and hurting. I don't think I could stand it if Gai-sensei and I stopped being friends. I really don't think I could. I'd eventually be okay, but I don't know...
This month, I've contemplated quitting cosplay so many times; the idea of losing him makes the idea of cosplaying Lee unfathomable. I won't quit cosplay because I know I love it, and I know that this will pass...
But it's been far too long since I've really enjoyed cosplaying.
I wish I could sleep right now, but I know I'll just end up tossing and turning for hours.
Everything is kind of falling apart. I'm mad at myself and mad at the situation and mad at the person I think started this entire thing. I don't want to talk in detail about anything because I honestly don't know if I can even trust that it won't get back to people I'd rather it not get back to. I treat my blog like a journal, and until now it's never been a problem. I never use real names for a reason; I sometimes customize who can see what for a reason. It's a space that I use for myself to get support and to talk about things when I need, you know? I expect the people who can see things like my Twitter, LJ, and FB not to talk about what they see because it's privated/friend's only for a reason. I talk a lot about a lot of things, from frustrations with a living situation to the sex I've had. My Tumblr is the only thing not privated because you can't private a Tumblr without making it all kinds of complicated.
And in general, I just assume Tumblr is a safe place because the internet has never let me down before. I made a big mistake in talking about things in my life that had no business being even vaguely mentioned on Tumblr; it got back to someone--and I'm almost positive who--and that someone informed someone else.
This entire situation reminds me a lot of the situation I was in a few years back with Faerie Twin. I mean, it's certainly different...but now I'm sitting around blaming myself completely, questioning my worth, questioning whether or not I'll end up alone, if Gai-sensei will ever talk to me again, and so many other things.
This entire month has been one massive drama-fest. I've cried a lot, which is not something I'm all that used to doing. The last--god, almost year--of my life has been drama, in all honesty. Unnecessary drama; hurtful drama (not just hurtful to me); downright exhausting drama.
But you know, I thought I'd put an end to it. Sure aB did not go well at all; shit was really bad and I've been really unhappy over it. I had a dream this morning about aB--about Newm still being my friend, and I cried in my dream because she's such an important friend to me and I miss her so much. But even with all the drama from aB, I was still doing better. I was feeling better; I had happy things and exciting things to look forward to. And I was trying to get past a lot of hurt feelings from not only aB, but the rest of the drama in my life from this past year. I was trying to remind myself of a lot of things; I was trying to keep my feelings in check where Gai-sensei was concerned; I was gonna finish out this semester good; I was gonna get Fanime shit taken care of in a timely manner; I was getting my commission done...
Shit was getting better, because that's just how life works. Nothing is permanent, including sadness. This will eventually get better, too.
But right now I hurt. Sometimes I just want to curl up and cry, but that's usually when I can't cry. I almost cried today, but then I couldn't. I cried Friday while talking with my roommate. Then we went out to the bridge right before NoHo and I threw a necklace into the water that Mr. "Prince" had given me over summer. I threw some other stuff away too. Just trying to purge negativity from my life. Letting go of that stuff is really important to moving forward, to being happy...
Only sometimes things try to hold on to you, and try to fuck up your happiness. I think that's partly what's happening here, but I just have no idea. I haven't talked to Gai-sensei since Thursday. The last thing he said to me was the message about what he'd heard and how he was upset/freaked out.
I keep thinking about that. He's freaked out. I freaked him out.
And this is so much like so many other times I've had feelings for someone. I'm too intense with my feelings or I talk too much. I don't want this to be like when FT stopped talking to me. Six months of waiting, wondering, being hurt and angry, being sad and lonely, trying to tell myself I didn't deserve that--and I'm not saying Gai-sensei doesn't have every right to be upset, but I have no idea what exactly he was told. I haven't been able to give him an explanation; I haven't been able to apologize to him other than the message I sent him right after what he'd sent me.
I was so upset I couldn't handle reading what he'd sent in full at the time. I re-read it today--that was why I almost cried--and I just...after thinking about this so much, I just want to talk to him and try to explain things. And I just want to know if things will be okay between us. I get that I fucked up, I get that we're just friends from now on--if he even wants to be--but I feel like there are things that I need to explain. Not just things about what I was posting--because most of what I was posting on Tumblr was "oh hey I want to have sex with this person", not "LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE SEX I HAD!"--but I also think there's some other stuff I need to explain. And I don't know how to explain it, if I can even put words to it. I don't want him to look at me differently--not that this shit hasn't already fucked that up--but god, I'm ashamed of what I think I may need to explain to him.
I hate myself sometimes. This entire situation has made me feel so fucking lonely; I keep saying 'this is why you can't do love (and sex). Every time you get involved with someone, shit gets fucked. No one will ever love you, and being involved with people is just painful. Be a lone wanderer again. Don't bother with this love nonsense and don't bother with making new friends.'
I've rushed into things so many times because I'm too reckless; I get so excited because I'm a feelings person, and I talk because I'm a wordy person. And it always gets me fucked.
I don't even know what the fuck I'm saying anymore. I'm just tired and I needed to vent; I feel so unmotivated to do anything, but I want to sew tonight and work on my research paper. But I also have all these feelings, and my chest has been so tight from all this unhappiness to sort out, all these insecurities to work through, all that invalidation to ignore....
I don't want to lose myself to bitterness and anger and resentment; I don't want to wallow and mope and be all kinds of maudlin over this. I just want to be able to be me. I want to learn from my mistake, but I still want to be me. I don't want to feel like I can't ever be excited and happy and rambly.
If I could just talk to him, I feel like I'd feel better--or possibly just worse, but I want to be positive. However, I want to respect his request for distance. It's just, the not knowing is getting to me. The constant doubts, the constant worry. Because what if it is just like FT and he doesn't talk to me for six months? What if I end up never getting to cosplay with him again? Or hang out with him? Or talk to him? What if by the time he does talk to me, I've talked myself into a hole and I can't be around him because I just feel too horrible? I hate having people be mad at me, I hate doing things that hurt others or disrespect others. I don't like this feeling at all, and I just wish I could figure out a way to fix everything.
And in the back of my head, I have this stupid little voice invalidating me. All of my feelings are just instability, it says. And I know who that voice belongs to and I know I shouldn't listen, but it's so hard.
Hopefully this weekend I can get my new tattoo. I'm getting 絶対大丈夫だよ (zettai daijoubu da yo/everything will absolutely be all right) from CCS tattooed on my arm. It's been my mantra for ten years, and I've been wanting it on my arm for the last two or so years. After all the shit from this past year, I think now is the best time to get it. I don't want to ever forget that mantra, I don't want to ever feel like I can't pull myself back up.
Since I overslept today because I was so exhausted, I missed ASL. I haven't done much more than play Zelda and depress myself. Zelda and Robot Unicorn Attack have been the things that keep me from being a complete zombie. I need things to do that are mindless and distracting. I had to stop playing Zelda though because it wasn't distracting me enough from my thoughts.
I can't decide if I should do my research for my paper (which consists of watching yaoi) or if I should just keep listening to Florence + the Machine, eat and then sew. Or maybe play more Zelda. Tomorrow I head off to Boston to hang out with Hime for her birthday. Hopefully that'll be a fun adventure. I need fun adventures right now. Fun times, a new tattoo, and a breather.
I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Tonight, I was checking FB and I found out that another friend has decided to unfriend me. I have no idea why. I don't know what I did, I don't know why he'd do this other than hearing horrible lies about me. But he's unfriended me too.
And so I messaged Gai-sensei to make sure that he and I will absolutely be okay. I had to log off of Skype because not getting an answer was making my stomach turn. I don't know what's going to happen. Everything hurts; my life feels like it's falling apart.
My best friend and I were talking on the phone tonight, and I was just bawling to him. My roommate tried very hard to offer me reassurance that I have friends who care about me. I know I do, but at the same time it's really hard to go through this shit and feel like I matter at all. I feel invalidated, alone, worthless...
And even though I know I'll be okay eventually, I'm scared and hurting. I don't think I could stand it if Gai-sensei and I stopped being friends. I really don't think I could. I'd eventually be okay, but I don't know...
This month, I've contemplated quitting cosplay so many times; the idea of losing him makes the idea of cosplaying Lee unfathomable. I won't quit cosplay because I know I love it, and I know that this will pass...
But it's been far too long since I've really enjoyed cosplaying.
I wish I could sleep right now, but I know I'll just end up tossing and turning for hours.
